


Haunting

by Modlisznik



Series: Ghost [2]
Category: Mars: War Logs, The Technomancer (Video Game)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Introspection, M/M, Post-Canon, all things ambiguous are ambiguous on purpose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2020-01-01 05:45:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18329816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Modlisznik/pseuds/Modlisznik
Summary: The others don't see the ghost, Zach soon finds out. It's… troubling, in part, but at the same time, he is glad. He doesn't have to explain to them all this, doesn't have to share. This is only for him.A follow up to the story I've written one year ago.





	Haunting

The others don't see the ghost, Zach soon finds out. It's… troubling, in part, but at the same time, he is glad. He doesn't have to explain to them all this, doesn't have to share. This is only for him.  
(A precious few things are only for him.)  
As he curls up at the front seat of the rover, ribs still aching, he wonders if Sean will be there when they'll reach the Valley; he fears for a moment that the ghost could be confined to Ophir, but dismisses it. He'll meet his old Master in the Valley. There's a little room for another passenger in the vehicle, but Sean doesn't need it.  
"Denn die Todten reiten Schnell." He smiles at his thoughts.  
  
  
His long walks through the Valley are solitary only in name.  
  
  
He thought that it wouldn't be a problem. It is.  
Not because the Valley was, technically, haunted; no one, people or animals, seemed affected by the spirit's presence, and no object was moved, no ominous writing appeared on the walls.  
(Sean can't interact with the world, Zach decided, having no doubt that if his Master could, then he wouldn't deny himself the pleasure of rearranging some objects.  
_Then how do you explain the jammed gun?_  
Maybe he just doesn't want to.  
_Maybe he doesn't exist._ )  
The Valley wasn't haunted. Zach was.  
(He watches as Sean traces ornaments on the wall with his fingers.)  
\- ...and if Viktor… We need you here, Zachariah. - It's Phobos. - Are you paying attention?  
A sting of shame. Phobos never speaks things unworthy to be heard; Zach should be more…  
\- They all need you. - Sean murmurs. - It feels nice, doesn't it?  
Zach tries not to nod. _Yes, yes it does._  
\- What are you looking at? - Phobos follows his gaze. He sees nothing.  
Zach shakes his head.  
\- Nothing. Sorry, I'm…  
Sean is right next to him, whispering into his ear, but his voice comes from far, far away.  
\- Liar.  
  
  
And Zach was watched. His family was depending on him; his friends, free Mutants, everywhere he'd go, there were people finding him among the crowd, waving at him to come closer, to pay attention, listen…  
\- Yes, they all want something. - Sean speaks from the shadows. - Every day, over and over again, their troubles never end. No matter how hard you try, the world just won't stay fixed.  
Zach nods. He is tired.  
Sometimes, someone sees through the face he wears for the world. Sometimes it's Niesha, bringing a tray of warm tea; sometimes it's Andrew and his little jokes meaning to cheer him up. Sometimes Melvin pats him on the shoulder and says that Zach should take some rest, and he'll keep their family from trouble. They see.  
No one sees the ghost.  
  
  
Sean's voice is soothing. There are times when Zach prefers it to everything else.  
  
  
He's not going crazy.  
  
  
They are sitting at the edge of a cliff, the rover far below; a brief moment of calmness between running and plotting and violence. The others were seemed to worry that Zach wanted to spend this time alone. They had a reason; he preferred to be alone more and more often.  
But also, it was not their fuckin business. He didn't owe them his every waking moment.  
Not everything had to be about them.  
And he isn't alone.  
Sean is the most silent company; his breath doesn't stir the air, his steps don't brush the sand. His heart is still, quiet.  
He leans to Zach, as if to rest his head on Zach's shoulder, but stops mid-movement.  
\- Forgive me. I forgot it's not for us anymore.  
Zach's heart is alive and aching.  
\- I know - he says. - I was such a coward. I should have hug you one last time, back there at the station, and to hell with all of them. What would they do, shoot us? I knew it was the last time I see you, I knew it and… I'm a fuckin' coward, Sean.  
 - We both are. I just wish… - Sean sighs. The thought lingers in the air, unspoken.  
\- Now you returned to me, but I can't touch you. Cruel, no?  
\- Perhaps we deserve it. We should be braver in life.  
  
  
Their little camp is full of mourning, Zach realizes, watching his friends. All the quiet dead.  
Scott's poor son, fought for and lost forever. Zach wonders, how much pain they awakened, digging in the professor's past; a part of him argues that the man deserves it.  
(It's a cruel thought, but Zach is only human.)  
Mark Reacher, buried in his rover; they have had set the vehicle on fire so that no looter would ever defile his final resting place. "The most expensive funeral on Mars", Amelia had said, swallowing tears.  
(Her mother was the quietest ghost; her daughter has made peace with her death years ago.)  
Gloria. Niesha refuses to ever talk about her, and Zach is almost certain she blames herself. Wasn't she so stubborn, so sure that the world owes her some answers, perhaps the woman would still be alive. Eaten by guilt and shame, but alive. Or maybe not?  
(We think our actions makes all the difference, but sometimes it's not about us. Sometimes people just can't carry on anymore.)  
(He wouldn't dare to say it to Niesha; her grief was hers alone.)  
And there was Andrew, his mourning more subtle, more guarded - sorrow for the boy he once was, the future stolen from him.  
(They argue sometimes, as this grief erupts into anger and Andrew lashes out - and Zach understands him well, because both Ian and Connor are dead now, forever outside of Andrew's reach; whatever he wanted to say to them, it's too late. And sometimes Zach wonders, whether Connor would still be alive, should he not brought him to Andrew back then; eaten by guilt and shame, but alive.)  
(Or maybe not; sometimes it's not about us. It's hard to think Connor would let Ian die alone.)  
(Andrew had used him, back then; it is not a pleasant thought.)  
Even Phobos, calm, polite Phobos. His mom, Zach remembers, was called Jenny. Such a common name, unlike that of her son.  
_I killed his mom,_ Zach thinks. _We never talked about it._  
_He used me to kill._  
_They're all using me,_ Zach thinks. _They show up when they need something. What about me?_  
_What about the things that I need?_  
\- They will leave you, eventually. - Sean is sitting by the fire; it casts no light on his face. - In the end, we are always alone. Believe me, I know.  
  
  
He can't demand Sean to come, nor he can make him disappear. Sometimes, he wishes he could. Sometimes, he worries whether his Master would take kindly to being controlled, even if by him.  
  
  
Every time Zach asks if he's really here, Sean just frowns and tightens his lips ever so slightly.  
Every time Sean says something too close to what Zach would say, he feels a sting.  
They exist in a fragile equilibrium; Zach can ask a hundred question about things only Sean, real Sean could know, but he is aware, that whatever answer Sean would give, he needs to accept it; his Master never lied to him in life and it'd be unfair to assume that death changed anything in this matter.  
\- Who was the man that killed you?  
\- Just a prisoner, albeit more resourceful than others. Why should I care?  
\- I do.  
His hands are itching. Zach doesn't know why. Does he want to clasp them around that man's neck, tightly, steadily, for these long minutes it will take to strangle him to death? Would he be able to do it?  
_I nailed human's hands to the floor._  
( _I was angry._ )  
He hates.  
Oh, but he doesn't deserve vengeance, does he? The prisoner simply wanted to escape, and he helped Mutants (they are sharing their home with you, _you ungrateful…_ ), even Scum, and there was that kid with him… He just wanted to live.  
Sean was the villain there. The world turned out better without him. The prisoner did what had to be done.  
\- Vengeance is for the living. - Sean raises his brow. - There is nothing you could possibly do to that man that would affect me.  
Would Sean really say that? Or it was a part of Zach's brain trying to stop him from going down that patch?  
\- What if I want it?  
Sean leans closer.  
\- Do you need my blessing then? Am I to be responsible for his death after all?  
He vanishes before Zach opens his mouth.  
  
  
It takes long before Sean appears again, but Zach is patient.  
\- Are you really there? Or am just losing my mind? Please, Master, I need to know.  
Sean tilts his head; a quick, bird-like move.  
\- What difference does it make?  
It's so like him, so familiar, so comforting it almost makes Zach dismiss his own question, accept things as they are - strange now, twisted, but still theirs; every idea was an invitation to discussion, and they spend so many nights…  
Almost.  
\- Because if your ghost is really here - he says, looking Sean in the eyes - it means you are suffering too.  
Sean's lips twitch in an attempt to smile.  
\- How could I let you suffer alone?  
  
  
He rarely talked about his Master.  
It was still fresh and unreal, back then, and frankly, he had a whole lot of other things to worry about. And not like he had someone to talk to; Amelia was angry at him (rightfully so), Andrew winced at every mention of other technomancers (rightfully so), and as for Niesha, he was afraid she was just another Dandolo's spy.  
 So he rarely talked about Sean.  
Now...  
Now it's painful - all that rumours and questions, conversations dying when he comes close, accusations unspoken. They're trying to spare him, Zach knows. He doesn't think he deserves it. Nor he needs their pity.  
How can he think so fondly about the man who did so much evil? How can he flaunt his grief in front of the people Sean abused, whose loved ones he killed?  
Now he's not talking about him at all.  
  
  
\- You asked me to stay, Zachariah. Say just a word and I'll leave.  
  
  
\- You remember my Master, no? - Zach asks and buries his face in Andrew's shoulder. What a stupid question, but he had no other idea, and no time to wait for one. - Not "remember" remember, but…  
\- Yeah, Zach. - There is a worry in Andrew's voice. - You talked about him a bit. What's the matter?  
Andrew's skin is warm; such a delightful thing, to be able to touch…  
He nearly chokes on tears; Andrew shifts instantly, embraces him with both arms, strokes his hair.  
\- What's the matter, love? - His whisper is soft and carries a breath that tickles Zach's skin. - What happened?  
\- He's right there.  
(Is this a betrayal?)  
\- What do you mean… - Andrew hesitates for a moment. - I've thought, he's…  
\- He's dead. I know. He stands right there.  
Andrew's heart beats fast.  
\- Is that why you're acting so strange lately?  
\- You noticed.  
\- I'm worried about you, Zach.  
He doesn't reply.  
Andrew's shirt is wet from tears.  
\- I know you two were close, Master... - It's unusual for Andrew to speak the word without venom; surprising. - ...but please, leave Zach with me. Walk with the Shadow, Sean. Life is for the living.

 

It brings no comfort.

  
\- How dare you.  
Zach is furious.  
\- That's what I'm supposed to do for the rest of my life? Apologize for the things you fucked up, convince everyone that you weren't like that, not all the time, not for me?  
\- What if I was? - Sean is cruel when angry, his death didn't change that. - What if I just tried, because I wanted you to love me?  
\- Then you should try harder! I was so proud to be your student. Now I'm ashamed.  
\- That's what bothers you. - Sean looks at him with curiosity and contempt. - Not what I did. Your precious little feelings were hurt. How selfish of you.  
\- You bastard. - Zach grits his teeth, clenches his fists; it's difficult to breathe. - Don't you dare to make this about me! You left me!  
\- You let me go!  
It hurts. Shadow, it hurts.  
\- What could I do?! - he yells, but the room is already empty.  
  
  
\- I hate you.  
Sean's eyes are cold, alien. Zach doesn't care.  
\- I hate you - he repeats. - Did I even know you? Or it was just another lie? Or it was just so easy for them to break you? How long it's been since you left, weeks? Days? You just waited for it, didn't you, for me to be out of the picture, so you can finally be yourself again, no?  
And Sean screams - first time Zach sees him doing it - and after all these years when he wasn't allowed to cry it's not even a sound, but _a force_ , pressing against Zach's skull, ringing in his ears, and Sean bends down and wails, his mouth opens wider and wider until his jaw breaks, his lips rips apart and he cries, he cries…  
Zach wakes up.  
He doesn't sleep that night.  
And for two nights more.  
  
  
Zach recalls every tale of vengeful dead.  
  
  
(They had buried Viktor Watcher under the frozen dome. He was harmless in death; all dead deserved rest. The fire of his funeral pyre melted ice to the ground.)  
  
  
\- I'm losing my mind, Andrew.  
\- It's about the ghost…?  
\- How can I lead us, if I'm losing it already? It's not like… - he doesn't finish.  
He's tired.  
And Andrew is trying to understand, Zach sees it - he does his damndest to not judge, to not roll his eyes, not scowl because of another mancer-related problem.  
(He's one of them now; he still remains critical of their ways, sometimes, but accepts their struggle as his own. It brings him peace, Zach thinks.)  
\- You are not losing your mind, Zach - Andrew says and pulls him closer. - You've been through a lot, with losing your home, your teachers, being hunted by the ASC... You just hadn't enough time to process all that.  
\- We've all been through it - Zach protests. - And others, they lived in Ophir longer, had known them for longer than I did! But you don't see them talking to empty walls. No; I have to be fuckin' special. - His laugh is bitter; a very familiar sound. - I guess, the seat of a drama queen is vacant now, no?  
\- Stop it, Zach. - Andrew doesn't believe in ghosts, but he knows loss. - You just need more time.  
\- Time? For what? I'm not getting better in time, Andrew, I'm getting worse!  
They did everything that had to be done for the fallen - not just for Sean, but others they lost along the way (so many Technomancers didn't make it to the Valley). Zach's brothers and sisters weren't disturbed that there were no bodies to be buried; they were used to that. (Sometimes, the body is lost, they said; sometimes there's nothing left to bury.)  
(It felt wrong to Zach, but who he was to tell them it's not enough? It served them well all these years, and he wasn't the only one who lost someone.)  
\- I don't know what he wants from me, Andrew. - He says. Andrew hugs him tightly; Zach lets him. -  We conducted the rites. We mourned them. It's not my fault he's…  
\- He doesn't want to go. - Andrew strokes his hair. - Maybe it wasn't enough, the funeral? Maybe it worked for them, but not for you?  
Zach crumbles.  
\- I'm not letting him go. Oh gods, I'm keeping him here.  
_I'm torturing him._  
(He deserves it.)  
_He's all I have left._  
  
  
\- Oh no. Not you.  
Scum sits down beside him. Zach groans.  
\- Not you - he replies. - Please, don't make me explain why I'm feeling sorry for the man who sentenced you to death.  
\- Oh, Zach, believe me - it's the last thing I want to hear today. Or any day, really.  
It's because of Scum's hoarse voice, that only after a moment Zach realizes that this whizzing sound is, in fact, laughter. More of a snicker, really.  
He exhales slowly.  
\- Grief is a complicated thing - the Mutant resumes after a while. - No two cases are the same. Don't force yourself to be over it when you feel it's not over.  
\- I don't need special treatment, Scum.  
\- Is he with us now?  
It was… kind of him to acknowledge it, even if he had no reason to believe it.  
\- No.  
\- And would you say something like that to him, was he the one in grief? That he doesn't deserve to take his time?  
\- Never.  
(Abundance was saying this, over and over again, until they had no choice but to obey.)  
\- I didn't mean that I don't want to hear you out because I don't care. - Scum gently pats his hand. - I didn't, because it's yours. Yours alone.  
  
  
It was strange, to ask them for something for himself, just this once. They all agreed without question - Andrew, Amelia, Niesha, Phobos, even Scott. They left everything they were doing.  
  
  
Camp 19 is marked on one of Amelia's maps.  
  
  
The place is not abandoned.  
They are welcomed by shouts and curious looks, barrels of nailguns sticking through the holes in the gates. Zach doesn't know, if it's the sight of two technomancers, or just one Phobos that keeps the men from opening fire. He doesn't care.  
The man who comes to speak with them is skinny and friendly.  
\- The name is Jey. What brings you here, people? And who are you?  
It's no wonder he can't tell; it's been months since Zach removed the pin from his uniform. And after visiting the re-education camp, Amelia spent two days scrapping Abundance crest from her rover.  
\- We mean you no harm. We… I'm looking for something. A memento. Nothing that could be valuable to you. Just… anything.  
He looks suspicious, but he lets them in.  
What a poor place it is.  
After the riot the Mutants fled, Jey explains, but some of the prisoners decided to stay; safer than to walk on foot through the desert. They have the roof shielding from the sun, still functioning well, even fields. Not much, but one can make a living.  
Jey was one of the first prisoners locked in here.  
\- Guess it's my home now.  
Abundance has bigger problems right now, so she didn't bother to reclaim the camp.  
\- Do you know him? - Zach asks.  
Sean shakes his head.  
\- I didn't care about prisoners.  
\- And how that ended up for you?  
Jey laughs nervously.  
\- Do I know who? You all right, man?  
The place reeks of despair. The wind wails through the holes in the walls. Rust, how far the eye can see.  
\- Commander of this place.  
The man stops.  
\- That's what you're looking for? The technomancer… I should have guessed.  
Zach blinks slowly. He's too tired to try to read the tone of the other's voice.  
\- Is this a problem?  
\- I mean… I wish you luck, man, I do, but… weapons, clothes… he had the most expensive stuff. We sold it all. Sorry, man.  
\- What did you do with his body?  
Andrew touches his shoulder. Zach doesn't care.  
Jey is not even trying to look at him anymore.  
\- A lot of bodies there… a lot of people died. We just sort of… drag them to the tunnels. For them moles.  
Zach feels nothing.  
\- Show me the way.  
They walk in silence.  
The soil smells strange underground; a heavy odour like rot and wet rusty iron. Like Underworks below Ophir.  
It's not long before they find a pile of rubble; trash and rocks, corroded metal and rags and crushed bones. Zach falls on his knees, and searches, searches.  
He's very careful.  
The others are keeping distance; their flashlights ward off the darkness.  
There's nothing here. And in another place, and another one.  
Silence.  
Zach doesn't know how deep they are.  
Finally - his hand trembles - there is something. A skull stripped clean; on the forehead and both temples, there are little holes, asymmetrical, precisely done. For the implant.  
They took the metal away, of course.  
He turns the skull in his hands for a moment and examines the smooth surface, trying to find something familiar - the shape of his face, his cheeks, his eyebrows; he brushes his thumb against the place where the lips should be. He almost feels them.  
It's him. It's his Sean.  
And the crack on the back - what killed him.  
He doesn't cry - but Sean does, kneeling right beside him. It's a silent cry, not like the one from the nightmare; tears run down his face and doesn't reach the ground.  
\- I deserve it - he whispers. - Everything they did with me, I deserved it.  
\- It doesn't matter. - Zach presses the skull against his forehead. - I'm getting you out of here.  
  
  
Niesha offers her green scarf so he can wrap the skull in. Zach accepts it.  
  
  
He remains quiet all the way back to the Valley.  
  
  
\- I'm sorry, Scum, I know I shouldn't ask your permission. Not yours. I know he has no right to rest among your people. But I need it, Scum. Please.  
The Mutant doesn't answer right away.  
\- Technomancers, Mutants - aren't we all people? Some of us are blameless, yes, and it's so easy to love them. But we are not only that. Not only the victims. We are people, and we can be just as vicious and cruel as humans - and they, in turn, can be innocent. Who would we be, if we were to exclude everyone but the most pure? The Valley would be an empty place, Zachariah.  
Zach says nothing. Scum takes his hands in his own; the skull rests between them both.  
\- It's your home too, Zachariah. Remember the good things, learn from the bad ones. And let him rest in peace.  
  
  
\- Farewell, Sean - he says, laying down the skull gently among the flowers. - This time I did it right. I will never forget you.  
It hurts. Zach doubts it will ever stop.  
He's glad. He doesn't want to stop feeling.  
\- Farewell, Zachariah. And thank you. For everything.  
Zach smiles, bites his lip.  
\- I love you. I always will be. But go now. Rest, now. You deserve it.  
\- I love you too.  
They did it right, at last.  
The voice still echoes in his ears, as Zach seals the tomb close and walks away.  
One day, they will meet again; he is sure of that.  
But for now - it is enough.


End file.
